"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."

"Remember, always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Always remember, others may hate you. But those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself."

"Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child."

"Racism, pollution and the rest of it are themselves very close to extinction."

"When you give up drinking, you have to deal with that wonderful personality that started you drinking in the first place."

"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?"

"If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier that other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are."